A blogger, I am.

So this afternoon I sat down to upload some adorable photos of Luke's first time in the paddling pool and found this lovely screen appear:

"Whoops! Sorry, you have used up all your free storage space.  You can either end this blog, do it without photos, or PAY US MONEY to keep it.  See? Nothing is for free.  You fell for our ploy but we get you in the end...(evil laugh)"

....Ok, so it may not have said QUITE that.  But still.  I can't pop up any more photos.

 I immediately googled for a fix it.  And found none short of creating a different blog under a different account and starting from scratch again.  No thanks.  I have poured hours of smiles, laughs, tears and trials into this blog and I even know some people who like reading it.

I have learnt that writing is my thing.  I LIKE writing down my thoughts and reflections.  And I, being a product of our times, am a much faster typer then writer.  This blog has become quite a therapy for me, not to mention a wonderful outlet for the social bunny in me who likes to share everything in her life!

I was invited to speak at our church AGM tonight, and was all excited about that before it hit me that this was ADULTS I would be speaking to.  And not just my friends, but the wider church family of all generations and personalities.  Gulp.  So I sat down and started writing.  I wrote word for word all I wanted to say (see my faith families blog, I copied it to there) and just read off my paper.

I got applause!  People were nodding, the vision was cast and caught.

I may not be the most wonderful speaker...but I can write.

And I WILL keep writing.  Even If I do have to pay for photo storage space.

Because this is my thing.

This is my equivalant to Marty spending money to enter some biking event that I am sure he could have done for free on any other day.  He likes to cycle.  I like to blog.  I don't get  why you would pay someone to ride a bike route.  He doesn't get why I would pay for a blog page.  Humpf.

We will agree to disagree.

At the end of all this though, the reality is that between buying my iphone and a lot of music on itunes lately....I have not a cent left on my 'pocket money' debit card for another few weeks.  So either Marty caves and transfers me some money, or this blog stays photo free for the next fortnight. Considering I just went to the optometrist for an eye ulcer, filled the car up THREE times this week (thanks to a Taupo trip for the afore mentioned bike race), did a HUGE grocery shop tonight (way over budget) and still have to buy rabbit food tomorrow....I am guessing I might be waiting.

God, grant me patience!

PS I will pop the photos up of Luke in the pool eventually.  We had a lovely afternoon enjoying our first real taste of summer...paddling pool fun, iceblocks and chilling under the trees and a BBQ dinner eaten outdoors. Bliss.

Dress up Luke!

My lovely friend Anna recently shared some photos of her wee man proudly sporting a handbag and undies on his head.  It made me smile, and think about my own son's latest antics.

Every time I get the hair accessories box down to do the girls hair, he races straight over, grabs a pretty headband and squeals at me until I pop it on his head.  He then breaks into a huge grin and (with eyes turned up to try and see this thing on his head) then struts around the house making his sisters giggle.  He pulls it off sometimes to take a look, and then squeals again when he can't work out how to pop it back on.  Today I managed to pull the pink bow off him and aimed for a more 'Ninja' look with a black soft headband.  But it still makes him look like a cute little girl.  I guess whether it is black or pink a headband is a headband!  You can see in this photo that he is trying hard to see it by shifting his eyes, but its just not working!  

Later at playgroup this morning, I decided our new cultural dress ups needed modelling.  Luke was only to happy to oblige.   Check out his grin - he just loved this one...headband AND string skirt, what more could a man want?....I left the singlet on, so perhaps not quite ready for the local Kapa Haka group just yet.

Kate's school visit

Kate has been dying to get to school from the day Jaimee started.  At 3 years, she was reading all Jaimee's new entrants readers and has kept up with her sister as best as she can in maths and writing as well.  I even questioned the possibility of her doing a few daily visits this term because she is just so keen but the class is just too full!

So when she got given the dates for her school visits (one a week over the next 4 weeks), she was SO excited.  It has been like counting down to christmas here!  This morning, she insisted that she would be wearing her uniform and tried to get it on at 8am like her sister (her school visit wasn't until 10.30am).  She packed her morning tea and drink bottle with great importance into her bag and made sure her hat was on her head.

After bugging me all morning every 2 minutes with "Is it time to go yet?", the moment finally arrived.  She hopped out of the car with a shy grin at the principal who waved to her as he walked past.  She did hold my hand to the classroom, where I wondered if all the hype would become too much in reality and she would freak out.

Jaimee makes sure Kate is looked after

She didn't.  She went and sat down on the mat after popping her things in a locker and couldn't wipe the huge smile off her face.  The bell rang for morning tea, and she was met at the door by her equally excited big sister, who gave her a big hug and took her off to sit down with the kids in the shade.  I wandered over to them, and was so delighted that Jaimee had decided to sit down with some girls from Kate's new class instead of taking Kate over to her 'big kid' friends.  Kate spent all of morning tea time feeling very important and big, playing with a large group of girls who followed her around everywhere she went.  It was very warming!

After morning tea it was off to the library.  Memories of Jaimee's first trip to the library floated through my mind: she cried the whole way there and refused to hold a 'big kid' buddy's hand for weeks and weeks.  Kate said she wanted me to be her buddy, and I explained that this is what happens at school: the big kids keep the little kids safe and hold their hands to the library.  I reassured her that I would walk beside her and that was that.  No tears, just slipped a shy hand into that of her Y8 buddy and walked happily all the way, swinging her brand new book bag in one hand.  I was able to leave her to it at the library, and she just LOVED it when her buddy read her some stories.

Back at school, when it was time to go home for lunch and to get Luke...Kate burst into tears.  "I don't want to go home" she wailed.  Ah, Kate .....don't worry, before long you will be there every day!  I am just so proud of your bravery!

Couch time after a busy morning at school

Motivated, Inspired and Intentional....Reflections on Baptist Assembly

I post this only after getting home, kissing my darling husband and unpacking my weekend with him in a nice long chat.  I have woken my girls up with kisses and admired the pictures they made me as we cuddled.  I have smothered my darling son in cuddles and tucked him back into bed.  I am glad to be home, family is awesome.  

I wrote this blog, and also a post for our faith families blog earlier today in a lunch break while still at the National Baptist Assembly - it was a great way to unpack some of the thoughts rushing through my head.   I am so challenged to live out my faith in a more intentional and 24/7 way - I don't want anyone, especially my own children to look at my faith and say "hypocrite".  Anyway, here are some of my thoughts...sorry if they are a bit muddled, I have so much vision, knowledge, ideas and thoughts whirling around my head after 3 days of awesome speakers that it is hard to work out what to write down!  

“At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him.  He turned around in the crowd and asked “Who touched my clothes?” – Mark 5:30

I know how Jesus felt. 

After hosting the Light Party, I have felt like all the power had gone out of me too.  God did an amazing work in that event, and it left me feeling “used up” of his power in me.

But I feel like my spiritual tank has been refilled again as I sit here at the National Baptist Assembly (AKA “The Gathering”) in rainy Hamilton.  This time away, connecting with the other church leaders in New Zealand and gaining a fresh vision and a renewed hope in our church movement has been just what I needed.  

The theme this year has been “red zone/green zone” – what does the “church” need to keep and what needs to go in the trash for the future?  Are we engaging and moving with the changing culture of our world?  Are we connecting the young people to Jesus?  Are we living our faith 24/7 on a deeper level each day?   Do we allow the youth the freedom and opportunity to be creative and to lead? Is our leadership working as a team, with a common vision and shared goals?  I get so excited at what God is doing when I hear from different leaders and think the possibilities in the context of our own local church and region.  I plan on becoming a registered Baptist ‘Pastor’ over the next few years, because I fully believe in what is going on here and I want to continue growing in my own journey and part to play within this movement. 

As I sit here listening, sharing and discussing with other leaders in the church, I am starting to get a picture of where God is calling me.  I feel a fresh sense of God’s calling on my life in my role as Children’s leader.    I am becoming wiser in my leadership and am learning to think long term, not short term.  I will not let myself become so drained that I burn out.  I want to serve God to the best of his ability, and that means being a wise steward of the time he gives me - keeping my family safe and looked after as we go forward in our faith journey as a family and as a church. 

I am so excited about leading some parenting courses in 2013, and plan on also spending the year ahead training and growing our young people in children’s ministry leadership. I want to see our kids engaging with Jesus on a Sunday morning, and to really think about what God is saying to them.  I want to work more intentionally as I help our parents to consider their influence on their children's faith journey, promoting and encouraging 'faith walk & talk' at home in everything they do.  I want to connect with each of our children and their parents over the next few years, asking them how their faith journey is going and finding out how I can help equip them as they walk with God in their family.    

I am freshly inspired and encouraged to study for my “Children and Family Ministry Certificate in 2014, and even have longer term goals now of community kids programmes floating around in my dreams….perhaps a girls brigade (now called ICONZ4GIRLZ) or a homework club?  I see my role increasing in the years to come to 20 hours a week, but I am also challenged to make sure that every single encounter  I have with those around me is had with Jesus at the forefront, seeing people and opportunities through his eyes and being wise in my words and in my actions.  I want to live and breathe his love into my world. 

I write this down because I want my family and friends to hold me accountable.  Help me to keep this vision at the forefront of my mind.  Question me and challenge me to think deeper and wiser.  Pray for me and encourage me.  Because I know that as I return to the real world, this conference “high” will fade behind the rosters, the laundry and the nappies!  

Things I am learning about myself.

It has been a week since my last blog, and even that one was a bit of a reflection on where I am at.  I am learning that this is me in October and early November.

I become this exhausted "can't-be-bothered" shell of my usual bubbly energetic self!    I still smack on my smile and say YES when I want to say NO.  But I just feel like curling up with a book or a movie at the end of each day, and I try to avoid any extra activity that is asked of me at all costs.  I get a bit negative about the state of my house and lack of money, I stop any effort with exercise programmes and I need that can of Coke and bar of chocolate so badly.

I am learning what causes this tiredness, I am figuring out the triggers.  Finally after a few seasons, I am learning some truths about me.

1.  I don't cope well with a break in my routine or too many extras in my schedule.    The light party, the upcoming  christmas production, teaching 3 Christian living classes, updating the Rascals facebook page, running a playgroup, Office work, Leading Sunday School, My mentoring session and bible study group....housework, baking, homework, vege garden, feed the animals, make the meals, look after the children and spend time with them and the husband....all these things are a part of my daily week and sometimes It all gets a bit much.   I already was getting a grasp on this truth about me when we made the call to give up one of my jobs early this year, but now I really get it.  This is me.

When we had school holidays and went away recently it was a welcome break, but it takes me a while to adjust back into the rhythm of things...to the point that I don't want to go anywhere extra, can't be bothered cooking a proper dinner and when I am asked to do even something as simple as host a family meal, I just freak out when normally I would cope.  I am a little concerned actually about how I am going to cope after 2 weeks alone in Scotland away from my routine.

2. I don't like being in charge.  One of the hardest things about my job is that I am in charge. I would much rather assist then lead.  Too much responsibility on my shoulders drains me dreadfully.  So when the Light Party rolls around, it can run as smooth as silk (and it did), but the weight of having 500 people attending an event that I am in charge on still presses down on me for weeks beforehand.  And it takes me a good few weeks to recover from the exhaustion that results from that pressure.  And exhaustion leads to all sorts of 'blah' feelings.   Again, going to Scotland for 2 weeks just before the month of October could mean that this time next year I am even more tired, but at least now I know to clear my diary a little bit more, give myself some breathing space and just accept that this is me.  I just need a little bit of peace at this time of year in my week or I get that feeling of "I-just-can't-do-this-job-anymore"!


Through a lot of discussion with a lot of people I am learning that these things are ok.  It is ok to feel tired sometimes and to feel a bit overwhelmed or down about stuff.  All this is normal.  I am assured that with all that I juggle, I should give myself a break.So I am accepting these things about me and am learning how to recognise my triggers. And I am very very thankful for understanding and loving people in my life who care about me and help me out where they can.

Oh, and I am coming out of my funk.   In fact, next year I have cheerfully committed to adding in "parent mentor" and "leading parenting course" to my list of responsibilities.  All good!  Well, until October next year that is.......

Just being a mum.

Last night I got home at 9pm after a massive day setting up and then hosting the Light Party that I am in charge of each year.  We had about 700 people on site I reckon, with 340 paying excited kids to entertain and feed.  It was huge.  When I got home, my throat was raw, my feet were bruised and I was exhausted.

But life goes on.....

I came home to find my darling husband on the computer after he had taken the kids home from the party and popped them into bed.  I was buzzing, and asked him how he thought it was, what he had done with our kids - I wanted to hear his side of the story of this event.  He told me it was "really good"  - or something along those lines anyway, as he kept his eyes on the screen.  I looked around the house.  The kids school bags still had half empty lunch boxes in them, the animals still needed feeding, clothes were strewn over the floor.  I sighed.  "Could you please feed the rabbits for me love?".  Big huffs and puffs later, Marty did as asked while I took care of the rest of the house.  An hour later, things were looking a bit better....pity that mummy duties couldn't take a break on just one day of the year. 

Skip forward to tonight, when we are now dealing with tired girls (thank you Light Party!) who are wailing as they have to tidy away toys and a son who seems to have the runs....hmmmm...I did think it strange that he slept for 2 and a half hours before I had to wake him from his nap today to get the girls.  

At dinner time, I mention to Marty that I still have to bake after dinner.  The school has very cunningly sent home a note saying that any child who brings baking for the school fair tomorrow is allowed to wear mufti.  I tried asking Jaimee if she didn't mind wearing her uniform, but her eyes welled up and she shook her head without even saying a word.  Marty piped up when he saw her face: "I will bake after tea".  I was quick to take him up on this one.  I suggested he make a choc brownie: quick and easy....and oh, could he please double the recipe and make one for Gramp Muz too, 'cause I owe him one.  No worries.  Marty got to work.  

And that's when we enter "the baking moment":

First, he realised after starting to melt the cocoa with the butter that we were out of cocoa.  I would have to run to the shops for more now that he had started.  Next he cracked an egg into the boiling butter.  "STOP! It will cook!" I said, trying to fish it out.  "Grr...Stupid recipe book...look: you wrote down to boil all these ingredients in a pot together".  I tried to show him the (very slight) separation between the two lines, but I guess I hadn't written it clearly enough for a novice cook! By now we were both a bit grumpy and flustered.  

 After fixing the egg problem up, I went out to the supermarket for the cocoa while Marty put the kids to bed.  While there I got a text saying that we need castor sugar and chocolate chips too.  That is when I clicked that he is not just making my cheap, quick and easy chocolate brownie.  He is making the "only for special" expensive, rich, indulgent chocolate brownie recipe Vicki-Lee gave me.  Sigh.  There goes 6 eggs, 4 cups of chocolate chips and a lot of other things!  

Finally, we sorted the rest of the brownie without incident.  Of course, because of the supermarket run, Marty had to leave me to finish the baking and do the cleaning up because it was time for his home group meeting.  Sigh.  Thanks darling for helping!  At least we were able to smile about it by the time he left....

It's just little stories like these that crop up over and over again in the daily trials of parenthood eh?!

As I say to Marty: "Take a deep breath, count to 10, and remember who the adult is here"!

EDIT:

And that's when we cut to "the sick baby".

As I have been typing this, Luke woke up crying and with another case of a disgusting nappy.  I recall that he didn't eat much today actually on top of the huge sleep and yucky nappies.  He has been cheerful enough though.  Hmm...what is going on here?    Well, as I had just finished typing "daily trials of parenthood"...Luke started grizzling again.  I finished the blog post off, hit the send button and went to see what was up.  And found Luke sitting up having just been sick in his bed.  Oh joy!  I managed to whisk him to the bathroom and over the edge of the tub just in time for round two and then had to leave him crying on the bathroom floor (he missed his PJs completely through all this) while I remade his bed.  Yep, this is parenthood in all it's glory!!

PS: Just so you know, even with all this kind of thing being a daily event (and in many family homes I know it is the same)....I still love being a mummy and a wife SO MUCH and would not change one day of spew, poo or baking disasters for anything if it meant a life without my troup!

SECOND EDIT:

....and the brownie sank upon taking out of oven.  Sorry Gramp Muz.  Just enough to salvage for school but not for two :(