Welcome Aedyn!

From the moment she heard that her new little cousin had entered this world, Jaimee has been begging us to go and see him - first words this morning and again after school: "Can we go see Aedyn now mum?!".  But it was only fair that we wait for daddy to finish work, after all it is his sister's baby, so as soon as we could we were off in the rain with three excited children (and a couple of excited adults).  

Aedyn, when we walked into the room, we could hear you crying.  But you didn't take long to settle down, and you didn't make a sound the whole time we had our cuddles with you.  You must have known you were safe with your Aunty, Uncle and cousins!  

Luke was so excited to see bubba - waving at him and saying "hello bubba" and then wanted to hold Aedyn constantlly.  Kate and Luke both enjoyed cuddles with Aunty Shona too on the bed, much to Shona's surprise as normally Luke isn't that cuddly to her!  Uncle Marty chatted away to his new nephew who lay happily in his arms, wondering aloud if Aunty Nikki was getting clucky... I assured him I had not been clucky for the past 2 and a half years and was unlikely to be any time soon!  

However, I did assure Shona and Paul that I was available for plenty of cuddles in the middle of the nights as I kissed my beautiful nephew who was snuggling into me with those ultra cute newborn noises.  Ahhhh.... welcome to the family Aedyn.  With your adoring big sister, brother and lots of loving older cousins -  I assure you that you will be well looked after!  

Insecurity

Have you ever had one of those moments when you are in a room full of people that you know love you and accept you.....but you feel completely alone? 

I left a meeting tonight bawling my eyes out. It wasn't a bad meeting. It was a good one actually. I was with people who know me, who support me and smiled at me and greeted me. But for some reason I left feeling more alone then ever. 

I want people to have a deeper understanding of who I am, where I am from, what I have to say. To value and love me. But I can't have that if I don't let them see me broken. If I don't reach out a hand and ask. 

I hate that this is me. I hate these old insecurities that crop up time and time again, whispering in my ear:

         ....."They tolerate you. But they don't GET you.

                  ......They would rather you didn't talk actually. Just keep doing "your thing" and let them do "their better thing" 

......They dont seek your friendship out - you are doing a great job - but are not a loved friend"

These thoughts are so wrong. They are not true, not lovely, not justified. Not Good. Not from God.

So why? 

Teenage memories are not such memories but rather still things I am constantly dealing with. I am still training my mind to believe, to trust, in people. That people DO love me. DO get me. DO believe in my visions,my dreams. 

I must reach out. Open up more. Tell the truth. Cry. Let go. Ask. Seek. Let you in. 

I am learning how to do this still. God is still refining me. Still teaching me that I am of worth. I am loved. I am special. I can rest secure in his love. 

Pray for me friends, that God will keep growing me in this area. And keep loving me.... I know you do, I just need to remind myself sometimes. 

Fads and strawberries

On Sunday jaimee staggered into our room at 5am to inform us she had just vomited in the toilet. Thank The Lord she is a tidy sickie. Thus said, Kate and I were on our own at church that morning. After she got to choose where we sat (at the front of course mum) and we stood singing to God arm in arm together during the service, I decided to make use of the special opportunity to spend some one on one time with my middle child. So we headed out to the strawberry patch to pick a heap of yummyness in the sunshine. She looked a real pretty picture in her fairy dress, made my heart sing. After our hard work she begged me for an Icecream and I didn't take much persuasion (I love their icecreams!) so we giggled naughtily together as we ate Icecream BEFORE lunch! Such fun! 

In other news, I forgot how into projects I get. In the last fortnight I have been:

-utterly passionate about my job (by the way- found out I'm accepted into Carey Bible college next year today!!) 

- gone slightly crazy on pilates (buying apps, DVDs and equipment all in 2 days because I rediscovered how much I enjoy this style of workout - I have a bad habit of doing this (see below comments about cross stitch and crochet) 

- planned a murder mystery night and then got so excited I purchased another game for the next one, even though I haven't even held the first yet. That's how I roll. 

- started and finished updating the (4) photo albums with photos from may to October. Did the lot within a few days. Feel so accomplished right now!! 

...so yes, I do get a little fanatical about projects. Like when I discovered crochet I went out a brought all the stuff, spent hours hunting patterns and ideas. An like when I got into cross stitch - similar story to crochet. And now I have all these projects to complete with not so much time...Looking forward to the school holidays and a tad more time. But NO more projects nikki! 

Summer is here!

It was one of those perfect Saturdays today.  Not a lot on the agenda, sun beaming down hot but not uncomfortable.  After a brief debate over whether to take along Luke, Marty took all the kids to swimming lessons this morning, leaving me an hour to finish some work off and have poached eggs and coffee in the quiet sunshine.  Ahh...so nice.    When the family arrived home, I decided to was a great day to set up their wee swimming pool for the season.  You would think it was christmas day, for the reaction I got from the kids!  They were so excited to see this evidence of fun to come.  Putting the fence up proved a bit too much for me in the heat on my own with three excited kids (Marty had convieniently gone off for a long training bike ride!) so I called on  Grampa Muz to help me out with construction.  We negotiated payment for his services of course - a freshly made chocolate brownie seemed a fair trade!  By the time Luke woke up from his nap, the pool half full, and in the spirit of the sunshine, I was merrily setting up lounge chairs and citronella burners around the place. 

Check Kate and Luke out, enjoying popcorn in the shade - Luke wanted to lie back but couldnt eat like that, so he is really working his tummy muscles here holding his shoulders up!  Kate is cruising out with her favourite soft toy and a new book: "Little House in the Big Woods".  I am so impressed my FIVE year old picked this book up to read.  She finds the fact that mum and dad are "ma and pa" quite intereresting.

As Jaimee and daddy returned fresh from a birthday party, the attention returned to the pool.  "PLEASE can we get in?!" begged Jaimee.  I tried telling her how cold it would be since it was still filling up fresh from the hose, and it was only November.  "I'm BOILING" she told me.  I gave in, figuring they wouldn't last long, and all three kids jumped in the pool alongside the hose.  Here is the video footage I took, fully waiting for them to jump back out after 20 seconds and wanting to capture their mistake.  HA!  My kids are water babies, and excitement won over common sense today.  Luke was in the longest, and even shaking and shivering, he still had to be forced out by mummy.  

This day was proving to put us all in a great mood.  Marty got stuck into a giggle filled game of hide and seek with the kids, and then we fired up the BBQ for dinner outside.  Luke helped daddy, insisting on his own set of tongs.  Whipping up a salad full of greens fresh from the vege patch makes me so content.  Nothing better then salad from the garden to the table in 10 minutes.   I told the kids we now had an outside dining room, lounge and the funnest of playrooms for the summer...of course, they asked for a bedroom too.  Umm...maybe tenting in the holidays will be a future blog?!  Bring it on Hawkes Bay Summer, we had a day enjoying what we know is just a taste of what is to come.  :)

Press pause.

It's halfway through November and over the last couple of weeks that fleeting thought has run through my mind several times: "gosh, I haven't done a blog for a while". It's been right up there with "shivers, where did that soft tummy come from - should really start toning up again" and "hmm those 400 photos I had printed aren't going to put themselves I albums". But I should be used to these kind of thoughts at this time of the year, because I am right in the heart of my crazy season. With the huge community light party to organise and throw (this year we estimate we had 1000 people on site), followed immediately by a tummy bug that kept me couch ridden for days, and then straight up to Auckland for the national Baptist Gathering....well, let's just say I haven't made one Christmas card yet. Like every year, I came home from the gathering/conference with my head full of whirling ideas and inspirations and questions and thoughts. So much I want to do for God in this awesome role, it's a little overwhelming. But I must reign in these ideas and ponders for just a few more weeks, because I still have an AGM report to write, 50 presents to wrap and oh yeah, a Christmas production to direct. So apologies for my absence world, I am here, just a wee bit distracted! 

Of course, in my busy times I work hard to make sure I am practicing what I preach - investing in my family and children. We took the kids out to the speedway this guy Fawkes for the first time. I used to love the speedway with my family, and I couldn't believe it when Marty said it was HIS first time! We all had a blast, picking cars and cheering them on. Jaimee wouldn't pick a car until she was pretty sure it was winning, or if it looked bad she would say "actually, I'm cheering for all of them cause really, they are all good eh mum?". Ha! They loved the awesome fireworks too, although Luke kept making me go "over there a bit" (further away until back pressed on gate) and the girls asked to go home halfway through - their first fireworks display was rather close to us (sparks landed beside us!) and very loud and big. They did well I thought. 

T

Today I took Luke to the local skate park for the first time, knowing I needed to spend some time with him after my long weekend away. He loved the curves, speeding down the steep slopes squealing away with not a lot of fear! We had a lot of fun together. When I woke him from his nap his first sleepy words this afternoon were "more park?". We will Be back there again I am sure! 

So in this, my silly season, In all the rushing and busyness - I have been reminded of one thing this weekend. The importance of sabbath. Of taking time out. Our wise God tells us to rest. To pause. To take my family to the speedway and make some memories , even if I am shattered from the light party aftermath and just wanna watch tv. Cause they matter.

 Too often we (well, me anyway) rush around like crazy, even arriving at church in a late muddle of fluster and crazy. And then when there, we are so focused on tasks and catching up with someone and then rushing off to some event straight afterwards. The absurd thing is that we made the time to go to Church for the reason to worship God... But I wonder, do I even connect with him at all after all that?  Probably not. 

This lesson hit home this morning as I was reminded of the importance again of taking that time to pause and acknowledge God In the rush. 

This morning, we were all bundled in the car to school, hair done and lunches made after a normal chaos morning at home. And then jaimee piped up from the backseat, even before we left the driveway (when I normally pray) with a beautiful prayer, asking God to be with the children who have no toys or food, to bless them and help them..and she prayed almost all the way to school for others. Thank you God, I quietly prayed along with her, heart soaring. 

So i am reminded to pause, to breathe, to stop and smell that rose (I did that today, it smelt good!)..to take Luke to the park and enjoy him. To put God first, family second  and to say no sometimes to the things that take my energy from these things that matter. So I can pause. And enjoy. And get through this manic season the right way, even if it does mean a little less blogging!