On Tuesday night this week, I hosted our woman's Bible Study group at my place. There is about 15 ladies in the group...3 ladies came.
Now I am well aware that it is winter, people have sick kids and tired bodies, and I KNOW that there is no reason to think like this....
....but that stupid little voice that has haunted me for years and years piped up once again "perhaps they didn't want to come to your house....maybe they couldn't deal with your noisy, loud self today...they only put up with you on other nights because you invited yourself along to this group in the first place"
Now - don't get me wrong. I KNOW that this is not true. Because I know these ladies. And they are amazing. And lovely, kind and genuine. They are the ladies probably reading this thinking they must send me an encouragement note or something. Well ladies, you don't need to. I know you love me...and I love you back.
But that stupid voice has been bothering me since I was a kid. At 13 I got popped into one of those "low self esteem" workshop groups at high school. How embarrassing, but hey - my entire class had created an "I HATE NIKKI" club, complete with membership badges....I would have popped me into that group as well if I had been my teacher.
It just bothers me that I STILL let it creep up on me in those quiet moments. I am a grown women, secure in the love of God - I don't NEED the approval of those around me, so why do I WANT it so bad. And even when I HAVE it...why do I question it? ARGH!
I am going to guess that this is the way that Satan tries hard to break my relationship with God, to damage me and make me feel worthless. To pull me away from those who do care and to close myself off. I will not let this happen. I will remember that I am wonderfully made. And I am recording this blog and so that my kids (who I hope never suffer low self esteem like I did/do) will know that this is a trick of the devil...this is a ploy to break you...and a very powerful one. My children, you are loved. By God and by me. And by numerous other people.....As am I. Do NOT forget it.
What prompted me to write this blog? Funny story....I was sitting on the couch, ipod in hand, about to post something dumb on facebook about how I still suffer from 'that voice'....when the ipod suddenly went blank on me. I frowned, getting annoyed that the silly thing crashed...when just as suddenly, the screen lit up again and my bible software opened on the ipod out of the blue. How weird is that?! And a good reminder of where to turn when feelings get low.
I filled out a questionnaire for the organiser of a triathlon training camp I am going to on Sunday - for a week. I had to answer "what is your area of weakness". Answer = self doubt !!
ReplyDeleteSilly little self doubt voices in the head. Just got to keep booting away eh ?
Yes I hide behind my well dressed, coiffered, made up, admired, talented self, who hates to fail at anything. The fact that God, and most people who know me, loves me doesnt dispel that small voice. I understand.
ReplyDeleteI'm the same - that voice can be small and other times it can be very loud and obnoxious. I try not to let it show and have found the only thing that helps that voice dim is the amazing word of God. I just need to turn to it first instead of sitting there doubting myself... as you said - we are fearfully and wonderfully made! Amen to that and Thank the Lord for his gracious and amazing love! :)
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