It has been a week since my last blog, and even that one was a bit of a reflection on where I am at. I am learning that this is me in October and early November.
I become this exhausted "can't-be-bothered" shell of my usual bubbly energetic self! I still smack on my smile and say YES when I want to say NO. But I just feel like curling up with a book or a movie at the end of each day, and I try to avoid any extra activity that is asked of me at all costs. I get a bit negative about the state of my house and lack of money, I stop any effort with exercise programmes and I need that can of Coke and bar of chocolate so badly.
I am learning what causes this tiredness, I am figuring out the triggers. Finally after a few seasons, I am learning some truths about me.
1. I don't cope well with a break in my routine or too many extras in my schedule. The light party, the upcoming christmas production, teaching 3 Christian living classes, updating the Rascals facebook page, running a playgroup, Office work, Leading Sunday School, My mentoring session and bible study group....housework, baking, homework, vege garden, feed the animals, make the meals, look after the children and spend time with them and the husband....all these things are a part of my daily week and sometimes It all gets a bit much. I already was getting a grasp on this truth about me when we made the call to give up one of my jobs early this year, but now I really get it. This is me.
When we had school holidays and went away recently it was a welcome break, but it takes me a while to adjust back into the rhythm of things...to the point that I don't want to go anywhere extra, can't be bothered cooking a proper dinner and when I am asked to do even something as simple as host a family meal, I just freak out when normally I would cope. I am a little concerned actually about how I am going to cope after 2 weeks alone in Scotland away from my routine.
2. I don't like being in charge. One of the hardest things about my job is that I am in charge. I would much rather assist then lead. Too much responsibility on my shoulders drains me dreadfully. So when the Light Party rolls around, it can run as smooth as silk (and it did), but the weight of having 500 people attending an event that I am in charge on still presses down on me for weeks beforehand. And it takes me a good few weeks to recover from the exhaustion that results from that pressure. And exhaustion leads to all sorts of 'blah' feelings. Again, going to Scotland for 2 weeks just before the month of October could mean that this time next year I am even more tired, but at least now I know to clear my diary a little bit more, give myself some breathing space and just accept that this is me. I just need a little bit of peace at this time of year in my week or I get that feeling of "I-just-can't-do-this-job-anymore"!
Through a lot of discussion with a lot of people I am learning that these things are ok. It is ok to feel tired sometimes and to feel a bit overwhelmed or down about stuff. All this is normal. I am assured that with all that I juggle, I should give myself a break.So I am accepting these things about me and am learning how to recognise my triggers. And I am very very thankful for understanding and loving people in my life who care about me and help me out where they can.
Oh, and I am coming out of my funk. In fact, next year I have cheerfully committed to adding in "parent mentor" and "leading parenting course" to my list of responsibilities. All good! Well, until October next year that is.......
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