Insecurity

Have you ever had one of those moments when you are in a room full of people that you know love you and accept you.....but you feel completely alone? 

I left a meeting tonight bawling my eyes out. It wasn't a bad meeting. It was a good one actually. I was with people who know me, who support me and smiled at me and greeted me. But for some reason I left feeling more alone then ever. 

I want people to have a deeper understanding of who I am, where I am from, what I have to say. To value and love me. But I can't have that if I don't let them see me broken. If I don't reach out a hand and ask. 

I hate that this is me. I hate these old insecurities that crop up time and time again, whispering in my ear:

         ....."They tolerate you. But they don't GET you.

                  ......They would rather you didn't talk actually. Just keep doing "your thing" and let them do "their better thing" 

......They dont seek your friendship out - you are doing a great job - but are not a loved friend"

These thoughts are so wrong. They are not true, not lovely, not justified. Not Good. Not from God.

So why? 

Teenage memories are not such memories but rather still things I am constantly dealing with. I am still training my mind to believe, to trust, in people. That people DO love me. DO get me. DO believe in my visions,my dreams. 

I must reach out. Open up more. Tell the truth. Cry. Let go. Ask. Seek. Let you in. 

I am learning how to do this still. God is still refining me. Still teaching me that I am of worth. I am loved. I am special. I can rest secure in his love. 

Pray for me friends, that God will keep growing me in this area. And keep loving me.... I know you do, I just need to remind myself sometimes.